What I figured out Christmas 2013

Winter can be a difficult time for me. The cold and the oppressive darkness make me feel so down. I’m affected by light and by the lack of light. I’ve known this about myself for a while now. Even knowing this though, in winter I would wonder specifically about my relationship with God. I have heard messages in churches and from individuals who would talk about the perfect peace and joy God could offer. Every year I would struggle to feel happy during the winter and every year I would wonder if there wasn’t some major point I was missing.

This year I can finally say that I wasn’t missing anything. This year at Christmas I felt happy. It wasn’t because I read the bible more or prayed or obeyed God to a fuller extent. No. It was other stuff. I worked some things out by talking to people, I solved a few puzzles about how my brain processes stuff, and I realized that one of my migraine meds has been giving me mood swings and got that straightened out. And this year I was happy.

It makes me want to tell people. Because there must be other people like me who can’t get it. There must be other people who are trying to read the bible and pray and are getting nothing from it. There must be other people who think they are stuck in sadness because they are too faithless. This year I felt better. I did not find it in the places I was told to look. God did not reach down to help me, except perhaps in that he gave me friends and resources to figure this stuff out. And some of it (like the migraine thing) was at random. How many people will never find any answers and will have to deal with sadness always? Don’t get me wrong, if you do find happiness through worship or prayer or bible reading, that’s great. But saying this can be the case for everyone is wrong and should stop. I don’t mean this post to be a downer; I really am happy that some stuff finally helped me out a bit. I just wish I hadn’t sat on my hands so long wondering which thing I’d been doing wrong that I wasn’t getting to God.

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